For this week I take into focus the topic which has been very delicate in my own life and also in some of my client’s or friends or even family member’s lives. It is the topic of a suicide. This topic is kind of a taboo and not many want to talk about it openly. I will. Because for someone who right this moment is maybe thinking about this, this article may offer a different point of view, which may change it all.
The first time I was really seriously considering to commit suicide was in 1999. My partner at the time, the father of my son came to me to announce his choice to break up with me and continue with another woman. I was devastated. Our life, our home – everything I had worked for the last 4 years was gone in a minute. I had basically 1 month to move out.
One night when he was off and I was alone with my son (2,5 years old at the time) I was contemplating on committing a suicide. Before doing it, I thought to call to the help line to talk, to give it the last chance. That phone call gave me a new perspective and understanding and is one of the reasons why you still are reading this article today.
I figured that over the years, when our relationship got really challenging with my partner because of various reasons, I had completely lost myself. I did everything I knew my partner would like or love and I did it even when I did not like it myself. By the end of that I figured there was not much of the real me left. That was a huge insight and understanding.
The person who talked to me on the phone asked me to think of my son and consequences that would bring to him. I understood that he had nothing to do with it and should not suffer.
I was so devastated that I just walked away from the whole situation, leaving everything to my partner. It was the hardest point of my life, but the biggest as well, as this was the turning point of my whole future.
Years later I thanked my ex by hugging him as this incident of breaking up with him gave me back to me and even though it was hard, I managed to climb out of that abyss step by step. Even though things did not quite work out the way I planned, I turned out ok and managed even more than I had planned.
Now 16 years later I have two higher university degrees from the world class universities (Oslo, Tromsö, Cape Town), made two documentaries, have had my own company since 2007 which has brought more consciousness to many people, have traveled to 28+ countries, lived as fully as I could, and been there for my son as much as I could. I am a completely different woman. Which would have not been the case, if I had killed myself, not at least in this body.
Just recently a very close friend sent me a letter telling about her ideas to kill herself. It made me thought about it again and bring it up to my blog. Luckily me and my friends could talk to her and share our new perspectives and she did not do it.
I made a little overview of that loop and where that gets you and I note down a little road map how I came out of it for good.
When you get to the idea of killing yourself, you have got yourself into the corner. Your view is limited and the corner is the only thing you see and you think that there is no way out. You have got yourself into a ‘no choice’ corner. But the moment you turn around your view changes and you can see more and also notice more possibilities.
Every choice we make – creates our future. If we make bad choices, we create bad future.
My recent 6 months I have made so many conscious choices – living in one amazing place, working with things and people I love, traveling around, mapping and changing my patterns, taking good care of myself, building my new future step by step, being with happy and friendly people, keeping myself physically active, being healthy. My life right now is juicy, full and happy and the future seems even fuller and happier. If I had chosen the corner view, I would not be here, where I am today.
If people come to you with that idea, ask them firstly how did they think to kill themselves. That reveals if that is a real act in the process or just a thought. What may often happen is that when they actually start to think how to do it, then they figure that it would create a mess for the other people or that it is actually harder than it seems. This may also help to come to the senses that it would not be such a good idea.
When I came to Mexico, I was devastated and wanted to kill myself again as nothing seemed to work for me any more (2 years ago). I then tried to really train myself into doing it, but it came out that it was much harder than I thought.
So I asked the spirit to give me guidance how to get out of that loop and it did. This is also what I suggest – to create space and time where you can truly listen what your inner intuition is telling you to do and choose as your path may be different.
I had to go to the ocean every day for at least 30 days. I did that and the ocean started to heal and reprogram me in so many amazing ways. I got new business ideas, class ideas and learned how to surrender and listen. That was the turning point and understanding that I can get out of the loop.
The matter of the fact is that most people kill themselves slowly every day – whether it is smoking, drugs, alcohol or unhealthy food or unhealthy thoughts. The latter is the main problem maker as the thoughts are the first creation element. Secondly it is the words what we say and thirdly action. If you want to change your situation – start with thoughts and beliefs – then act differently as well. Self pity is a harmful thought – will kill you instead of re-birthing you.
When I started to change my thoughts, I automatically changed my words and my actions. At times when it did not work to go from thoughts to actions, I started in the other end – with the actions and moved to the thoughts. That seemed to work very well.
I made many small commitments, and in brackets I explain what this helped me with:
1. I kayak at least once a week (physical well being and movement)
2. I go to Alanon groups at least once a week (my emotional and mental well being and healing my childhood)
3. I do my silks classes at least twice a week (physical movement and well being, kicks my adrenaline and stress out of my body)
5. I write my blog at least once a week (trains my writing muscle and I do something I love, which also brings me more clients)
6. I work with my online clients once a week (keeps my healer active as well brings me money to take care of my life – pay bills, buy food, pay rent etc)
7. I go out with my friends as often as I can (takes care of my social skills and networks)
9. I took food supplements and super food (helped to balance my nutritions as well lose weight, feel healthier, fitter and sexier as well changed my brain chemistry – which made me more efficient and I managed to get more done than ever as well makes me think more positive thoughts).
I started with 1 month commitment and after that it was so natural to me that I could not stop any more. It had become my nature and my new lifestyle. When I left something out, I felt awkward and out of balance. So in a way I created my own structure and a system how to keep myself up.
If you have trouble to keep your commitments for 30 days, you should find accountability partners. So you can check in with each other how and what works.
After many rounds in my suicide loops I started to understand that these are not my thoughts, but belonged to entities or projections from outside. I started to process through the entities and started to show them who was the boss in my body. I started to show them the door, and if needed out of the gate as well. I denied all access from other entities into my body without asking my permission. In addition I officially fired them from the positions they had taken themselves or someone else had given them.
Many entities also work on the frequency level. So as soon as I got to a higher frequency, my energy was different, I did more and more what I loved and I was so busy that there was no time to think of anything else than what I needed to do, so that entities had no voice, even in my head. So after some time, they really understood that there is nothing here for them and they literally starved to death, and they left from my body and my life and home.
I had more and more harmony in my life. Drama left my life, violence and abuse as well. All I had were people full of energy, life, big ideas and love. I got so much into balance that I did not know how to be like that any more, as my whole being was so used to negativity and drama. But soon the new balanced life became the norm.
One of the main reasons many people also end up in the suicide loop is that they do not feel they matter or they create meaning and importance on this planet or that what they have been doing is not working any more.
Here is where the life mission comes in. If you know what your life mission is or what parts of it are, you are most probably never gonna get to the suicide loop as you will be too busy in creation and action.
If you do not yet know what your life mission is, you have to try many different things to figure out where your energy is most happiest to express itself. Is it drawing or singing or computers or healing people?
These days there are so many ways to try new things out – you can be a volunteer in a center, where they handle these things or go and work as a workaday person or just read about it or watch a movie about it. It is all about having the interest and finding out.
One thing is sure, these days the life mission may not express itself only in one channel, it may have many different channels and all happen at the same time or with intervals.
The spirit in us is more expansive than ever and one of the reasons why that is, is because our spirit and body are uniting. We are all becoming human angels and that also brings us more responsibility to use our bodies, our brains, and our lives more consciously and share what we know. All we need to do for that is to explore and have quiet time as well so we can listen to the messages for the future action and direction.
1. So this week if you have had or still have the suicide loop going, first think of all the ways how you would really do it. Write it down.
2. Then ask yourself why? If you figure out that the answer is – I do not have enough money, I do not have anywhere to go, I do not have a home, I do not have a job, I am a failure, no one cares about me … then you have to remember that all of your previous choices have brought you into that ‘no choice’ moment. Now it is up to you to become conscious about these and make the needed adjustments and choices. So write to yourself what other choices you need to make to change all that?
3. Make a list of your commitments for the next month and take care of all your needs and see what you can choose so that these will all be met.
4. Listen to your head – if you have someone in you saying – ‘You need to do this or that’ you have to know that this is not you, it is the entity in you and do your processing to make them exit your body, house and home.
5. Find out what is your life mission. Do new things if necessary. Make a cocktail of different activities and make it earn money for you.
6. Keep yourself busy for at least 1 month.
7. Make a summary of all the questions above. Check how often are you thinking of a suicide and if not at all, you have come out of the loop. Congratulations!
I am Crystal Ra Laksmi. I have been in the suicide loop many times during this lifetime – does not matter where I have lived in the world – it has followed me everywhere. The biggest problem I have found is myself, who is stopping my full potential to express itself or expand in a full liberation. My deepest fear is that I succeed beyond my wildest imagination. The moment I did, I got the experience that success equals death. Once you have this experience this lifetime or any other – your inner being will do all it can to stop your full being to blossom.
I have now mapped all my patterns where I stop myself to succeed and keep myself busy with all the fun stuff I love to do and create, so that any of that crap can not even enter my mind any more. My life has once again got meaning, purpose and moving forward step by step. The biggest gift and cornerstone of it all is my self love. Always there, always married with me to the eternity….
If you liked what you read, please go to my first page and leave your email to my email list here on the right side of the page.
If you would love to find out what is your life mission, let me know as I do guidance sessions on skype. I can also help you map your patterns to get out of the suicide patterns as well help to process entities out of your body, mind and home. Read more about my other services here:
* Footnote to the story. Mimi Nelson thank you for sharing your story about Dani and Lizzy and their song, which was born of the pain caused by death and went viral and is now giving wings for Dani and Lizzy on this Earth being for sure supported by their passed away friends and loved ones. The song has almost 8.5 million views!!!!
Video ‘Dancing in the sky’ by Danni and Lizzy here
Thank you for reading and sharing my blog and may you be blessed and have a wonderful life!