I am so lucky I figured out that today is the first Wednesday of the month. It is not so easy if you are traveling from one side of the planet to the other and also ‘back in time’ like 10 hours. The first couple of days everything may be a mess for a bit, as your biological clock maybe a bit messed up. In today’s blog I will look back at my time in Estonia for the past 2,5 months and what was different this time.

This post is made for ISWG group. Check out more about them here: 

I have been living outside of Estonia all together for 15 years for now and the last 4-5 years I have spent my summers in Estonia. Usually 3-4 months. As I have my own business, I can regulate it myself according to my own schedule where and what I do or create.

This time I can say – Estonia you are beautiful. First time in my life I leave Estonia with a little bit of sadness in me. This time Estonia entered me through love not pain. 

I never had an insight like this about Estonia. The pain I have had in me has remained there from the imbalance of my masculine and feminine energies and which did not come into my life only through me, but also through my mom and dad, my grandmother and many other generations before me. This pain was copied every time to a new child as part of their new

‘fortune’.

I think that the very fact that I am away from my homecountry for so long and so often I have the ability to witness myself on the side and notice all these small or big programs or ‘fortunes’ clearer and better than when I would live in Estonia all the time.

Me and Michael teaching at the tantrafestival in Estonia in 2018.

I know that everything is not so ‘flowery’ in Estonia, but what makes my stay in Estonia so enjoyable is that I can 100% do what I love and people are very receptive to me and more I do it, more my effort is valued and also noticed.

During the last 4-5 years I have worked very consciously on my inner man and woman’s healing processes and balancing and it has been quite an adventure. I am in the process of making a wonderful book out of this process. 

Enjoying Saaremaa in Estonia.

What has been the best medicine for me to heal it all? It is the love elixir. Not a regular love where giving and receiving is measured by grams and kilograms or centimeters and meters. But it is love where every moment is a present, where every giving is endless and without borders and where you always have deep honoring and caring as well holding, but not only about your partner but in every direction.

I have for years held space for my closest people and clients but I have had very few people in my life who held space for me. Now I have found him and what a difference! I am not only creating something alone as a typical Estonian ‘masculine woman’. I am not pushing men or women away to give me their support and energies. When I am in the state where I am exhausted, I sit down, admit that I am done, check out the clouds for a moment and do nothing. When I have given away everything I had I may cry some tears and admit that things went off balance, but I will work on myself, swim or train and ask for help or support from people around me. It has not been easy. I have been raised to become the ‘masculine woman’ who can even put on a gas mask. I have learned that we have to be strong despite what season it is, what conditions I have, count only on myself and manage it all by myself. We will not get too far with this. Not as a woman who is in connection with a deep, powerful and mature womanhood’s wisdom.

In this adventure into the depth of ourselves these different places and circumstances as well people will help us to get to know us better.

Every place and person can reconnect us with our love and pain. But when we stand face to face with our pain in such a way that we are one with our inner love, then by embracing our pain it starts to dissolve. Love is the best dissolver and connector.

Beautiful Saaremaa – island in Estonia.

In this love chemistry I arrived more home to Estonia – as well myself in my homecountry. It is so beautiful!

Our beautiful fresh Estonian air, our forests, fields and flowers. Nation who speak straight forward and do not go around in circles with their words. When they ask for something – then that is how it is.

In all of it I see myself, my own growth and expansion into that mature queen, who allows to be carried on her hands, who can sit on the passenger seat and who only sometimes will take the lead 100%. In this full feminine power I will blossom even more as this is the natural law…

My son Sander behind the wheel while sailing and Michael helping him in Estonia 2018 summer.

Because I was in Estonia with my beloved husband Michael, my heart was more opened and not hidden behind ten walls or more and when your homecountry will arrive into your heart through love, it is a very warm feeling. This caresses you, this feeds you, fills you, refreshes you and deepens you.

Now we may have a new rhythm – to spend our summers in Estonia. It sounds very weird – to live in Hawaii and spend summers in Estonia. It is not a joke, as the summer in Estonia has turned into a hot summer like we have it in Hawaii. This is how the love sun melts everything it needs to everywhere in the world where it is needed through lava, forest fires or other ways.

Thank you beloved Estonia, all the circumstances, people who have been part of this co-creation. I am deeply honored and become a better woman again. 

We are happy in the depth’s of our hearts!

If this little sharing touched you and you would be interested in my book about my journey I had from the ‘masculine woman’ to queen, let me know underneath this blog post. My aim is to publish the Estonian version for this Christmas and possible English version for next summer. If this story inspired you, pls share it in your circles.

#lovemeltsthehearts, #fromthemasculinewomantoqueen, #loveaddsandcreates, #loveheals,

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I am Crystal Ra Laksmi-Ditton who was originally born in Estonia. There have been many times when I have not been very proud of my in-heritage, but as time passes I am starting to feel proud of my ancestry, my background and my story. It is truly original, full of many challenges and despite of it all I am living my dream life on my terms.

Love has been one of my main motivational points through many years, but I never could imagine that love can move so deep and create such a deep change in me and my life.

I am in the huge transitional phase at the moment in my life and I know that if I have love, I have it all. Such an essential value and focus point in my life making my flow much easier and guiding me to a different route filled with aloha sprinkles. I wish that kind of Aloha insight sprinkles to all of you who you read this blog post. May it be filled with joy and love, the kind which fills your up from top till toes! 

Happy fishes colored during one of the dinners in Estonia. My inner child was very happy!