This post is written for the ISWG group. Read more about them here: 

I am travelling again and it is very challenging to keep up with the group like that, especially if the only way to put up your link is in the morning and not to preschedule it.  I saw that FB is doing now also prescheduling, would that be possible for the group too? I need to manage my time and prescheduling helps a a lot especially if you are struggling with the time differences (8 – 12 hours).

I am going to write on my topic as I have no internet on the plane and upload it later when I land and want to contribute anyways.

I have been thinking if the name ‘insecure writers’ really talks about me. For me more appropriate would be – A writer in the change or transition. I know that if we say a negative word we enforce it into the subconscious and every time we even think of it, we activate it again. Thinking of that I did a little research inside of me to figure out if I have insecurities as a writer. I know that I write well and that in English I just need someone to proofread it, as my head works with 3 different languages every day and it may get messy.

But I understood that now when I am working on starting to work on my very first book, that I would feel the most insecure about publishing it. Why is that? I have got so much negative critics in the past about what I do and who I am and I know I would survie it, but I guess I am a bit tired of it. I also feel as if I would be completely naked and people could say good and bad things about it. As a kid I got a lot of negative feedback and I am aware that I need to really work on healing those wounds in order to come out of my shell and really use my full potential.  I am doing it now and you all can become my accountability partners.

My dream is to publish my book next year and maybe in two languages and I already have most of the material – all I need is time for writing and systemising. My next 3 months will be all full of that and I hope I make strong first steps in order to conquer also this fear.

It is kind of like going back to my home country Estonia each time (recently I was there for 3 months and had a very successful time – organized around 20 events all over the country and did lots of private sessions). Each time  I am actually scared. How will it go, can I manage, do I have enough people interested in what I do? And more and more I do it, better it becomes. This time I cleansed a lot of my past issues and wounds through family constellation group sessions as well visiting my good old psychotherapist. When I went the third time he was surprised to see me there again and told me that I actually would not need to come more  right now – unless it really burns. That is quite something. I even went to the stylist and the make up artist to make a complete makeover, so I would feel more happy with myself.

I also discovered in this process that more I was taking it all in as it was, more Estonia as a country gave me. I also understood that an old wound from one of my relatives kept one door closed to many of my ancestors who have been waiting to help me. Once I opened that door – more and more oppurtunities fludded in. Also abundance in the money form. I also learned that sometimes some people can change. Someone who would have been called a rattlesnake had changed during the last years, as her mother’s disease made her change herself, her behaviour and life. She has actually become a really caring and loving person. I was surprised.

So here I am – writing again in the sky – my favourite place to write. Reflecting on my transitions and adventures I had and what is ahead. My next months will be very exciting – travelling to California for a month to help to support my partner’s book release meetings as well do some Wantra water sessions and then travel to Hawaii and do an adventure group there as well research for the future and then back again to Mexico.

One lesson I got today about stuff is that we can get punished if we have too much with us. I had bought two suitcases, but my handluggage was also overweight, around 20 kgs more. Before departure I was asked to pay for it. 800 Norwegian crowns lighter  – lesson learned – listen to your intuition. I had at least 5 kilos extra space in the big suitcases, but did not rearrange stuff. The same would apply with the insecure writers stuff. If our inutition is telling us to do something and change something, we should do it. Now, not later. Because it may kick the insecurity out and not for a moment, but for forever and then we may start to live our dream for real!

I am Crystal Ra Laksmi. A travelling queen who just recently got married to herself. It was a real thing – with the party for 21 people, the food, the music, the ritual, the cake and all. I feel that as a married woman now I am much more secure. I do not know how it works, but it works. I think we should all redefine words nad consepts and traditions for ourselves. What works and what does not and then make bold steps to change it so it would work for us and give ups peace. 

Give me your thoughts about ‘insecure writers’ and getting married to yourself. 😉