This post is made for Insecure Writers Group. Read more about them here:
I have had some interesting times. I have learned so much about my own vulnerability as well wounds which are all connected to the insecurity.
I share one little story from the Hawaiian outrigger racing experience to introduce the topic.
This time I was paddling in one of the single canoes and we had a whole team of people who are aiming to race on the 17th of March as I am. So I was welcomed to the canoe like into the family group – ohana in Hawaiian. The group was amazing. Our captain and steersman told me right away that I should keep my body centered and paddle from there. I was moving and leaning my body too much to each side and obviously if you are in a single canoe it can tip you over very easily if you do it too much. I corrected accordingly and it was much easier to paddle, it saved me energy as well.
The team worked well together. The caller lady did a good job, the pace setter in the front seat as well, and the steersman of course. It was a faster pace paddling and quite challenging as I had just started my 10 day detox process, but I did not faint and finished like a superwoman.
So I was doing something wrong and I made the corrections and it got better. Well done!
I am leading a new online group for 8 months at the moment and this time when they sent in their homework some people were criticizing me hard core. This opened my wound ‘not being good enough’. I checked in with myself if any of that what they said was right and what can be changed. In order to get a better overview I made a questionnaire about their wellbeing for the whole group. I am investigating what comes out of it and if more people feel that way.
I decided to take it as with the steersman corrections – I will figure it out and it will be all fine. But my wound was very opened. Probably also because of my detox – my energy and whole being is more opened and connected to my vulnerability.
My day turned into an emotional rollercoaster day (which I rarely have these days) till I arrived to the hula dance class by the ocean that very same day. Today was the first hula dance class where I really got most out of it and started to enjoy it and get a grip of the song we were working on.
In the very end of our class our kumu (teacher) explained also how hula is all about hips and hips are all about the ocean. Our hips are filled with ocean (water) and if we do not like water – we move like grass… He taught us also a beautiful new chant talking about the creation of Hawaii islands. I felt so complete.
Then the Hawaiian language class was next. I speak fluently Estonian, English, Norwegian – I understand Danish, Swedish, some Finnish, German and Russian.
This class was about repeating the chant we just learned and for me because I did not really get what something meant and how my brain just stopped following.
The moment kumu asked me some questions in Hawaiian I froze completely and I did not know how to answer – as after only 3 classes I have not been able to understand the structure of the Hawaiian language yet. This language must be from some other planet! I felt so embarrassed.
It made me feel so stupid and so humiliated that tears started to run over my cheeks. I think I have not felt that way since I went to school as a kid.
After my toilet break I exited and another lady from the class was leaving and passing me and was asking how my name is written. It came out she has a daughter who’s name is Chrystal. She told me about her hula lessons and Hawaiian language lessons. She patted on my shoulder and calmed me down – saying: ‘You should not worry as you are in the very early stage of the process.’
It felt like the universe organized someone for me to tell me I am not that bad after all.
Despite all the challenges I love to keep myself challenged and continue my hula classes with this kumu but probably start my Hawaiian in some other format.
When people ask me why do you want to study Hawaiian? Not many people speak it – what is the point?
I love how it sounds and what it makes me feel like when I hear it or try to speak it myself and how challenging it is. Once I start to get it and hula I will tell you my brain will go till I am 100 or more!;)
When I got home I shared it with Michael and how stupid I feel. Then he asked me a good question: ‘So how many of these people there actually speak 3 languages fluently?’
I answered I think maybe couple or three. So he said: ‘There you have it – you are definitely not stupid. It is just the language and you need more time. Keep it going’
I understood that the main core element which still holds my insecurity in place at times is my old belief that ‘I am not good enough’. It is especially hard for me because I grew up in a very intense negative feedback environment and as an adult if someone says something about me it goes instantly back to that moment and belief. I am aware of this wound and definitely will work more with it.
I am so lucky that I have these wonderful angelic people in my life at the moment who are kind and nice and supportive and caring who step up for me when the moment of doubt appears for me so that I am reminded that I am not only good enough, but more than enough.
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Did you connect with my story?
Do you have similar stories to share here?
How is it about you and ‘not good enough’ belief?
How is your ‘not good enough’ connected to your insecurity as a writer?
Personal photo
I am Crystal Ra Laksmi-Ditton. I am a mermaid who dances with the 4 elements and travels where the oceans call me.
Recently someone just asked me how a world traveller like me manages to be married now and settled in one place.
After having no home base for 7 years I must say I quite enjoy it and the marriage works for me as a supporting foundation to create more of all I can and love to share.
I hope that my little stories from Hawaii, Big Island can inspire you to look into yourself and change for the better or leave some old beliefs behind!
Aloha and mahalo<3
All photos are from Pixabay if not stated otherwise.