This post is written for the ISWG group. Read more about them here: 

This past month has been full of adventure and awe, but also challenges which wiped me off from my own ‘confidence carpet’. I will share in today’s post what happened and how I got out of it and back to my ‘confidence carpet.’

During this month there was a process activated where around 45 people who are closely connected to me got involved. Symbolically it looked like the bombs were exploding in every now and then and there was nothing I could do to stop it any more. It was like a chain reaction. First I started to react my old way – making things bigger and more negative. Luckily I did not share it with anyone other than my husband, who by now knows my weak points and also knows how to calm me down very fast and very effectively.

So I started to put together a file where I went through all the critique points pointed at me one by one. I took my time and drafted this document for at least a week. I collected all my thoughts and points of view and it became a 14 pages material. I felt like I had climbed a Mount Kilimanjaro or something;) But it felt good and I felt calm.

During this process I understood so many things and I would like to share it here, as us ‘insecure writers’ may often be challenged with these issues. Here is my roadmap out of that crap and back onto my ‘confidence carpet’;)

1. 

   Private collection

   Your culture and background sets the tone for your human interactions if you do not choose otherwise. I understood that because I grew up mostly with my grandmother who ‘fed me mostly with critics’ and I had to earn good feedback and work really hard for it, I had become super sensitive to critique towards me whatever it was or is as I worked so hard and proved everyone how good I am at everything I do and how I strive for ‘perfectionism’. When someone criticizes me now when I am an adult, all these old programming from my childhood gets activated and on fire and it is so automatic that if I am not watching out – this process can cause a lot of harm for myself and others.                                                                                     My 2,5 years in the Alanon program has given me tools and viewpoints which have made me understand that if I am not reacting the old way but taking a break, it works. I think it through first – because I am now aware that one word can harm someone and that was my way to actually protect myself from the attack, but at the same time it created a chain reaction and bad emotions, experiences and results, which I had to clean up for a day, a week or two or a whole month. Instead of creating that harm, I have now always asked for a time out – it does not matter whether it is in my marriage, in projects where I am involved or anything else connected to fellow humans. This ‘time out’ has helped me to get my mind clear, cleanse it completely and get back to my center point in order to come out with a new solution. 

2. Your culture influences your behavioral mechanisms when you are in trouble or in a critical situation. Most people are not conscious about this, but it is so true. I observed what was going on with this situation and how the Estonian culture and our collective wounds influenced how I reacted and how many others did. We have a country where our women had to be strong from the get go. Our men were taken from us by deportation, wars, military or immigration or work for centuries. Most women had to grow up with only one parent – usually the mother, or grandmother or grandmothers. They were all disappointed in men for them to let them down and so most of the children grew up with some bitterness and negativity around and about men. Because women grew up so strong and masculine and took care of everything and the boys did not have enough male examples – the men became often times very weak and feminine men. They had very little self-confidence, were not connected to their true masculine powers and were confused in the Estonian society which still is ruled by many masculine women.                                                                     Most women in Estonia do not rely on men any more, as they have let them down so many times. It is easier to get things by yourself than to ask. Because of these collective wounds – Estonia has true challenges as a country to learn to cooperate within the country and also often times with others. Most of us can be suspicious and not trusting as we have had so many negative experiences with the intruders.                                                                                      Within that week I went back to my own past and looked into that pattern. My grandmother married a man who was presented to her, but who she did not love. Her true love got killed in the Second World War. So she maintained the marriage, gave birth to 3 boys and lived an ordinary life the best she could and knew. Her husband died of throat cancer like 20 years ago and she had to take care of everything herself after that. She also lost her middle son in a fatal car accident. So she was a very wounded woman, but despite that she was willing to basically adopt me and my sister when my parents could not take care of us because of too much alcohol abuse.                                                                                                                                                                                                                    So I grew up knowing that men are distant, you can not count on them – not in emotional ways or money wise or any other ways. You just have to learn how to become a strong masculine woman warrior to make your way through life. This was fully working in my life and I attracted all the weakest men possible with most drama programs there are. I had couple of nice men in between but they were so seldom that they almost did not weigh it up in the chaos of others.        

Malle Zablan Photography

Only when I changed many of my old patterns – the outer reality started to change and I met Michael. Michael is a true king and gentleman and a very mature man who is in connection with his masculine and feminine side. Who I can count on, rely on and feel supported by. I am basically in a ‘queendom training program’ where I learn how to sit on the passenger seat and not give orders, how to receive help, how to receive the opening of the doors or carrying the heavy bags. These are minor details, but Michael is a Gentleman with a capital G.                                                                      Because of his presence I took my time off from the annoying topic. He held some space for me and I let all that sink in. I realized that my wounds were activated again – I felt fight or flight mode was on, I wanted to say the worst things to those people. I listened to what Michael had to say. I let it really digest in me and then I sat down and wrote it down. Only after that I took action – from the place of harmony and peace and calm.

3. It is important to understand the core fear what lies beneath the triggers. I figured for me it was that I would lose something big in my life and it would influence my wellbeing. In addition I saw my need to be liked by every 45 persons in the list. That is so deeply connected to the depth of love and connection which I had a huge lack of  when I was small  and now when I grew up in adulthood I mistakenly thought first step towards love and connection would be to be liked by as many people as I could find. But it is a false assumption. It would never work. The easiest way is to become truly who you are and be in love with yourself and even then you will most probably still not have everyone’s ‘likes’.                                                                                                              I understood how stupid this was and how this was also so deeply connected to the main blockage with my book writing projects as well the insecurity as a writer. Fear that my creation will not be accepted and loved and liked by everyone. As it is something I would create, they would not also like me. In today’s world where some people are basically counting each ‘like’ which comes to their FB page or Instagram or Pintrest – it is a huge deal. People almost identify their success according to this. I understood that most successful and famous people have always had some people who have not liked them and it is a stupid goal to have if you would love to live in harmony and create in a balanced way.  So I dissolved that fear and everything connected to it. 

4. I understood that you should never become cocky in any ways while you facilitate something. You need to always have the humble ways to mediate whatever you have to say. The cockiness comes from the immature masculine energy. If your inner and outer masculine sides are mature, your life will flow and have more ease.

5. Where you stay can influence your processes and your weak points and shadows. I am staying on the island of Hawaii, which is the home to the Mauna Kea mountain, which they call the ‘Father of the Sky Mountain’ and we also have the lava goddess Pele living here – who is the goddess of birth and death. Father Sky makes us always to look into our deepest dreams and dharma and if we are not willing to live it, he will push us to the right direction – if we allow him to do that. Most people start to resist, as they think they have the best plan in their head, so they are not even opened to receive what this island or the energies would love to offer. I understood that my processes were also connected to the local energies here – which is all about staying true to your own being and your own authenticity – it rips you naked and takes away all the masks. You can not live a false life here. The energy does not allow it.                                                                                    

Private collection

Whatever is out of balance will be forced back into the balance. If you do not listen to what your spirit says about something, something in your outer reality will force you to face that challenge and NOW not LATER. This is my 13th time on this island and I thought I am done with these shadowy experiences. I did not think this island can influence people so distantly – on the other side of the globe. But it can. It does not care whether you need a cleanse here or out there, it will take care of all of it. That is why so many people move here as the island seduces them first, but can not make it work, as the energy is too intense or they do not know how to live their authentic life and how to cooperate with the energies here. This is not a place to live as a separate unit – here you are guided to listen to every bush, bird or flower and if you do, it can give you not only the guidance how to get to your next destination but also how to receive your dream life on your terms – walking towards it step by step. 

6. I have developed a system called – 4 V system, where I explain what is the root to most of conflicts as I have experienced it in my life. Often times it is connected to our deepest values, our needs, our viewpoints in life, which are connected to our worldview as well our shadows. If you are aware of these qualities during the moment of conflict – you may actually develop a skill to prevent the conflict, as you already take the right steps to do what you love and the way it works for you.

If you have similar issues in your life, maybe you could use some of my thoughts and steps in order to map your situation as well to find your solutions.                                                                                                     

I am Crystal Ra Laksmi-Ditton. A true writer in the heart, who finally needs to pull herself together to finalize at least one or two books. A magic carpet with confidence and determination would do me good. I wish that all of you who read this would find your magic carpet of confidence and will fly to your dream skies and stars with it. 😉

All the photos from Pixabay unless from private collection or photographer shots.

Aloha to you all!

Aloha wishes from Hawaii