Here I am, doing my first blog post for the Insecure Writers group online. Read more about it here:
Aloha everyone and I am Crystal Ra Laksmi, originally from Estonia. I have lived most of my adult life abroad and right now living in Mexico and seems I am still looking where is my true home. I am getting to feel that it is not the place, it is in my heart wherever I am, when it makes my heart sing.
During my last years I have learned to take better care of me and honour my talents, skills and desires before anything or anyone else. It seemed to really work and pay off, I must say.
My last blog post was just talking about how I came to Mexico some years ago and reset myself and rediscovered some old and new talents and how writing my blog basically brought me back to life.
Writing has been one of my main talents. I have written poems, as well stories and many letters to many people. I have been a freelance journalist and got published several articles in the Estonian media for years. Yes, but I am also one of them who has several manuscripts in the drawer and has never got them between the covers for various reasons.
I started blogging in 2013 in March. It was not such a new thing to me as I had written my diary for years, but now I was sharing my heart, emotions and life with the world and total strangers. It was very intimidating at first. But as the positive feedback came to me, I felt more and more confident. And then the negative feedback came and I felt sad, but I did not stop. Tell me something I can not have or do and I show you thousands of other ways to do it.
Now 2 years later I can tell that my blog has changed my life. It has given me the possibility to commit to myself and my readers and also restructure my life also because of what I have been able to produce through it. It has bought me to the contacts and connections which would have never been possible without it and I am taking now more and more steps to actually start to get some of my book stuff between the covers.
So why is it I am where I am with the book material? Firstly I have too much of it and can not really organize it myself well enough as I am too attached to the material.
Secondly I am such a perfectionist that I am so afraid it will be the worst failure ever and no one will ever even notice it.
Thirdly I am terrified of what would happen if it would on the contrary turn into the crazy success which would turn my life upside down in a good way and fulfil the rest of the dreams?
In the midst of all the fears, which at times turns into a jungle or a forest, I am sure in one thing and that is – I am not giving up my blog writing. I may write less and change it, but I will continue to write. It brings me peace, gives me ideas how to change my life better and how to be that lifeline to someone else who has lost the path and has no dreams.
My blog writing is my centre of my vortex which grounds me. My writing is my best friend who is always there and holds space so I get more clarity about my life and steps ahead. My writing inspires people who have turned into just seeing the stuff which is not there instead of being grateful for what is.
Since I was a kid I wrote, I painted and I adventured. All these have been my talents, which I promise to give more energy, time and attention to, so that we can co-create and co-produce as well grow together.
I am excited to include another commitment to my list with this writers group as I have seen that commitments pay off in the long run and help me to change my bad habits into new ones which work as well to invest my time and energy into right things, which will give me back in multiple ways.
In the complexity of that journey I am sure I would need more encouragement and support than I have ever had before. So here I am ready to receive your thoughts, ideas and comments!
I am glad to tell you that this blog post let me learn more about the WordPress and comment settings, which suddenly disappeared. Luckily we have you tube and the videos helped me to fix it with 5 minutes, but just to get to the right video took me 3 hours… Sometimes it is all about where you look not even how – a good message for us insecure writers. I guess it is a good initiation to my new commitment here in the new writing club. Thank you!
I’m so glad to hear you’ll continue writing, Crystal. It is a wonderful state of being, putting thoughts down on paper. And you’re learning about WordPress too! Excellent. There is no wrong path. There is no wrong decision. Everything that has happened to you before brought you to this place. To stop and feel the ocean, to breathe in the salt air, to smell the flowers, these are divine moments that bring you closer to God. We all want enlightenment. We all want to know where we belong. As a writer, you are that much closer to finding out. I’m thrilled for you. Search and explode, and I promise your life will grow richer and richer and richer. It won’t always make sense, but it’ll never be boring. Happy New Year. It’s a blessing to read your posts.
Thank you dear Joylene. Your words brought tears into my eyes. As I said most of my Estonian blogs never get feedback and there can be many reasons. Maybe they are most often jealous that I dare to live my dreams and hate me. Maybe they do not know what to say when I share that I am most of the time happy now. Maybe they are just busy and never read it. Maybe … But you did. You read and wrote back and that is a huge thing for me. I think that must have been rooted in the childhood, where the good words where hard to get and you almost had to do or be in a certain way to get them. Your reply nailed it – as I could feel your heart behind your words. The word what talked to me the most was ‘belong’. I am realizing now that this has been my main drive behind my adventures, my stories and explorations in the world, in myself and in my relationships. I am so happy to have found another place where I can safely share my shadow sides now in writing. Your post in IWG was talking to me a lot too. Last year 2015 was a huge shadow year to me – a broken heart several times, learning how to build my new life from 0 again and so many more. But instead of running away from my shadows as I so many times and years did, even escaping to the other continents – only finding out – oops, they follow me then this time I now stopped and stared at them. Not only, I also embraced them. I acknowledged their presence and awareness. I listened to their messages. But I started to tame them and show who is the boss in the temple of my body and the mind. It seems to work. Life is beautiful and even though we maybe would like to have only the white and light, there is that other side and I think you Joylene know quite a bit about it as do I. How to come out of that being broken and turn into a phoenix and turn things around! Thank you for who you be Joylene and your words! Happy New Year to you too!
Tänan teid teie lahke sõna, Crystal. Oled kena tüdruk. Sinu sõnad kolis mulle sügavalt. Võin ainult lisada, kui tänulik ma olen, et me oleme kohtunud.
Life, writing, and the writing life can do amazing things. (It happens with readers, too, when we let them see our work!) Good for you.
Thank you Dean for the kind words. I congratulate you with the new change in your life and the courage to make it happen. I know how intimidating that can be! Good luck and all the best for the new adventures on paper or in life!
Welcome to the IWSG! You’re in the right place.
That’s great to hear your blog has changed your life. Starting mine did that for me.
Do you have a critique partner? Someone who could help you organize and polish your work? That would really help you focus.
Thanks Alex for the comment and visiting my blog. I have at least one critique partner now and more to come in the future. What did you exactly mean with the focus?
You are an excellent writer, I wish I had your talent!! As for the book, I will continue to bug you until it happens. I know it too will be excellent.
Thank you for your kind comment and visiting my blog. Yes, the book is going to move forward. I probably have to use your goalsetting sheets again;)